spazmonkeyme
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "spazmonkeyme" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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07:25 pm
[Link] | Life update again short:
Work: still going good but very tiring, sapping me.
Self: slipping into slight depression. not sure if homesick or over stressed from work
Relationship: still going, it's scary. thinking about more long term. We've been talking, because I'm raising my family in Texas. Period. at least according to me. He's said he's willing to move, which I'm thankful for, but don't want to ask him to leave his family. We'll see where it goes.
Relationship part II: understanding emotions is harder than I anticipated, to the point that I wambulanced on paper trying to figure out what was going on. Expect more on this later, it's written as poetry normally. Laugh and die.
The man: is good, trying to find a new job, becaus his work is not good for him...he's doing the job of 4 people and he's only signed on to do the work of 1. Time to change. Praying he gets a job in Houston, not in NC. That would just make me happy...and it's selfish...but honest. God knows the desire He placed in my heart, just want to know how that plays out. *laughs*
Currently: about to go hang at Julie's while she unpacks. I'm occupying the dog. Whoop.
<2<3. Love you all.
-me
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09:14 pm
[Link] | Life update, while small it is a real one.
Dating: relationship going well, to the poin that I am looking forward to all of you meeting him in the near future, like Christmas *laughs*
Work: hours are long, but it's worth it. I like what I'm doing and the people I'm working with. They have a solid work ethic, that works well with mine, and they are willing to push me intellecutually.
Life in general: I lvoe NC, it's beautiful, it's also NOT texas. =-(. I've been talking with the boyfriend. Update on that coming soon. I'm not sure how this is going to work.
III. Serious note on the boyfriend, that I haven't told people yet: if he asks, I'll say yes. *hopefully it will be a while before this happens* ((if this happens)).
Not sure yet.
Love you all, and see you soon.
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08:20 pm
[Link] | had a glass of wine, shoulders relaxing, frayed nerves un-fraying. it's nice.
Semi-sad semi-glad that it only takes one glass of red to get me this way. Better than half a bottle of schanpps I guess.
Been going through a lot while I'm up here, not necessarily bad, just a matter of sorting through and finally dealing with more of my past. Healing if you will. *shrugs*
I think I've told more people in the past 2 months about the following than I would have ever imagined:
I. Jess.
II. abuse issues.
The second one is what really startles me, to be completely honest. I thought for sure that most of this was going to my grave, and come to find out, it's not. Instead, I've told my boyfriend...which _really_ shocks me to the core, Betty, who I live with. (she's cool, you guys should meet her...and will if you ever manage to come up/down to visit). Lauren, who I go to church with, and who to be honest I am as close with as I am with ya'll, and Leah...who I would like ot be close with but am not sure if I am that close with her or not yet. *shrugs* time will tell.
needless to say I have a bunch of stuff to work though, which I'm working on...*half laughing* at any rate...that's where I'm at.
I love my job, even if it's eaten my brain pretty hard core.
Love ya'll,
-Me
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04:08 pm
[Link] | I just watched teh Star-treck movie. Yes, I'm a nerd, and a geek. I know this. What took you so long to figure it out.
I would like to see physics take a turn towards the directions posed in the movie. Some of the ideas are plausible....even likely.
Skip all fo this, which should have been a post. I've neglected this for a while. appologies.
I'm in NC right now, about to start a new job on Monday. I think I'll be here for a year, maybe a little more, maybe a little less. I am making plans for being here dead on though...and returning to Houston next September (God willing).
The job is a research assistant, which I hope to be doing this year, and then next year moving into the clinical aspect, or going on to graduate school. (I still need a semester's worth of classes though...2 physics and 1 bio-chemistry...I kind of look forward to taking those). Hopefully while I'm here I can also take some Greek and Hebrew. (languages are fun for me, I like learning them).
Anyway, sorry this is a short update. (Facebook updates are far more common).
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02:25 pm
[Link] | I am currently in mild physical pain. Blame mother nature's monthly gift...which happened to arrive during the flight to Atlanta...which I almost missed.
I have never been particullarly good at directions, and North and South are even rougher than east and west...this morning, when I was supposed to go South on 85 (the way that takes me into Durham), I was thinking that I needed to go away from where I normally went...so I went north, almost up to the virginia border before I realized that I was goin the wrong direction.
I flew low the whole way BACK down to Charlotte, and managed to hit the airport 1 hour before my flight. Thank God the security lines were short, and my gate was close...or I would have been in Raleigh longer.
In other, far more interesting news...I just almost said the "L" word to Jer through facebook. This comes as a surprise to me. I'll be evaluating my response and determining what -exactly- I was thinking. Fortunately I caught it in time and didn't send it...that could have been bad.
Anyway, sorry the updates are few between...stress is high and I'm doing a lot of self-learning. I have a new baseline, I just need to determine what it is and how it works.
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01:29 am
[Link] | Dear self:
tonight you remembered a very important lesson...don't judge a book by it's cover. Perhaps more important, don't think that because someone looks like they have it all together that they actually have it all together. There are battles and wars being fought in the background all the time, and no-one will be the wiser for it.
also, never underestimate the pain that those hidden battles are causing, nor believe that there is minimal pain under the surface. It's there, it's real, and you are not the only one going through it. REAL. Live it.
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03:24 pm
[Link] |
Hurt
Guys, I'm not doing as well here as I would have hoped. this is turning out to be more emotional, more draining, and more frustrating than I imagined. I miss North Carolina...the place and the people, to the point that I'm not sure of what to do.
I woke up this morning almost crying. Time to think about counseling I suppose, either that or figure out what's going on. (There is a chance that this could be PMS). I'm not accustomed to this, when I left here it hurt, I cried on the way out of town to be honest...but once I got up there, once I got past the city limits it wasn't nearly as bad.
Here, now, I am in pain. When I left I was able to push it out...tell myself that I would be back soon...now, soon isn't coming soon enough.
I'm praying that I can be patient and strong. Praying for help. I feel isolated, and like my heart is literally in two places at once. Torn. Completely.
On one hand, I love Texas, I love the people in Texas...I loved school. But the problem is the past tense. I still love the state, and I'm still claiming it, just like I claim Cajun. I still love my people that are here. But, there isn't anything that would bind me here...nothing that screams to my heart that I must stay.
I love North Carolina, I love the people in NC...I loved rotation. Same issue, only everything in me is SCREAMING for me to go back. That NC is home, the same way that Texas was home. The first two places I've ever called home. I don't know what to do.
I know that this is probably healthy...I'm not going psycho over it, and some emotion probably reminds me that I'm human...but I wish it didn't have to hurt like this.
*laughing* I'm re-drawing the US.
It looks somethin like this:
Alaska\
Oregon New York
\Texas - North Carolina /
/ \South Carolina
Hawaii
We'll just call it the US of Katie. *laughing*
Anyway. Sorry. Had to get that out.
Love you, miss you
-K
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09:57 am
[Link] | Sappy music -- Check
Emotional venting through the words -- Check
Bags for clothes -- Check
Packing sucks.
Update on life...I'm coming back to North Carolina, come Hell or highwater, with the exception of a direct order from God. May take me a while, but this is home. Now, I just need to get all of _you_ to live w/in a 6 hour radius.
So here's the thing which I haven't mentioned a whole lot yet. I kind of met someone up here...like a boy type of someone. His name is Jeremy. He has facebook...he's one of my friends. Search. He's goofy, and at the same time, mature. He reminds me a lot of my younger brother, only older...and with directed goals. This is a good thing.
It sucks that I get to know him for about 2-3 weeks before I leave...but I think I'm willing to try this distance if it becomes something more than what it is.
Here's the thing I think I've mentioned...I have more family up here for you guys to meet...of late family is getting a bit big, and I think I like it that way. Someday, I'll own a continent, and give all my family countries. *shrugs* My ideals of bliss...nothing to do with money, power, food...just family. *laughing*
Anyway, I'm packing up now, looking forward to seeing you!!!!!!!!!! I've missed all of you so much, I wish I could tell you that I wanted to stay in Texas, but I would be lying. (I still claim Texan though, just Texan on the move =-)
-Love you,
Miss you,
-Me
ps. can I pray for you guys, would you be ok with that?
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07:14 pm
[Link] | So I realize I probably sounded like a drama queen...I appologize. My goodness.
Anyway, the frustration remains but has gone down enough that I can be logical. B.H. who is up here in Raleigh managed to smack me with the "you aren't responsible for other people's actions and emotional responses". *shakes head* I suppose some day I'll figure it out.
At the moment I'm watching Rent and enjoying a glass of wine.
Today was long, not for any specific reason, just the accumulation of stress and small disasters of Sunday evening. Eventually I'm going to have to deal with my parents, or at the very least figure out a way to communicate with them in a way that isn't going to cause me emotional harm.
Talking with people and trying to type doesn't work so well...so...will update more later. maybe.
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09:51 pm
[Link] | It is not often that I am this frustrated with individuals, or with myself...to the point that I am in pain, and do not know how to handle it. I drove home tonight with music loud enough to blast what's left of my ear drums to bits, and drove fast enough that I probably should have gotten a ticket. I'm hurt, I'm upset, and I'm not sure what to do about it, so please forgive me as I vent and try to see what is going on.
A friend/associate of mine at MD Anderson has dug herself quite a hole. She is taking an online class, which has to be turned in and verrified by the end of the month for her to graduate. Unfortunately, she didn't finish in the spring. That, in and of itself is ok...she has a tendancy to burn out, and stress out...and it got to the point that due to school and other (boy) things, she quit eating.
The plan was for her to finish the course during the summer. Well, she hasn't...in fact, she really didn't do any of it. I understand her reasoning...that she was stressed, and almost to her breaking point. We had talked before, and come up with a battle plan to get things finished by the end of last week...apparently that didn't happen. So tonight, while I was at dinner she called me, almost crying, and being generally upset.
I am not the person to call in this situation, just so you all know. My reaction to things like this is very much a "let's come up with a plan and get it handled". (Situation being something that you must get done, which you have chosen not to get done) She didn't want to hear this...nor did she want to hear that there wasn't really an option about it, and she _really_ didn't want to hear that she had no excuse. I understand she was busy, I understand she was burnt out...I've been there too. Unfortunately, _my_ way of handling it is apparently far different from _her_ way of handling it. I have to smack myself, then just push for a little longer...make small goals so I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something.
R. apparently does not work like that. This is also the reason why I suck as a friend, because I'm not sure what to do. I asked her what she wanted from me, because I know I don't have a clue, but she wouldn't tell me. So, now I'm confused, upset at myself, and in a generally rough mood.
Advice is welcome on this, I just don't know what to do...and listen to her complain about how she can't/how it's all BS anyway, etc. is not something I'm good at.
I'm sure that this is also exacerbated by the phone call I had before dinner with my parents. They still fail to understand that money/salary is not a driving force in my life. I'm sorry, I believe that money is just a tool, and while it would be nice to have plenty...if I'm not happy where I work, and if I'm not doing something more important than just work...then it doesn't matter.
This all boils down to Atlanta. I do not want to go there. If God tells me that's where He wants me...fine. I'm praying literally for almost anywhere else, to the point that it hurts. I'm probably praying with teh wrong motive...which is bad.
I'm frustrated about this, and unsure of what to do. I think God would not make me walk into a situation like this...and I _know_ that if I do have to walk through it at least I won't be alone in it. I just really want to stay here, I have a lot left to learn here, I really like it, but again...God's will not mine. <-- just so you guys know, that's hard to say right now. (and the fact that it is hard to say hurts me, because I know that it shouldn't be).
To top it off, I explained to my parents that if (and I believe God is not calling me directly to Atlanta) I'm not supposed to go there, then I wouldn't go. It didn't go over well. I got the well, you'll go where the money is, and it's hard to live off 50,000 a year. To be honest, I almost laughed right then. I'll probably be making more like 28-32k a year. They won't like that much, and that hurts too. I'm not sure how to explain to them that money is not something that makes me happy. I think our values systems are very different, and our communication level is not to the point where I can explain this, without it degrading into some horrendous argument.
In short, sirs, I am a very dumb fish and do not know.
Sorry I had to vent this, I'm just not sure what to do right now.
Love you all,
-Me
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11:11 pm
[Link] | Boys flirting makes Katies confused.
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04:25 pm
[Link] |
Dear Men,
I would like to take this opportinity to introduce you to one of your number who is actually doing it right. His name will be witheld, simply because I'm almost certain that being lauded on lj is probably not on his list of things to accomplish in life.
Here are some things that you should take note of:
1.) He's committed to something. -- volunteering.
You don't have to commit to a single job for the rest of your life, you don't have to commit to an ideology, or a specific group...just Something. Please. Show us that you are capable of commitment in your life.
2.) He has a plan.
If you don't have a job right now that's fine. The economy is in the tank, you're probably in school, etc. But, you need to know, or at least have a vague idea of what you would like to get accomplished this year, and maybe even next. It doesn't have to be specific, and you don't have to stick to it regardless of what happens...plans change. But make one.
3.) He's nice.
We don't like jerks. You don't have to be Mr. Sunshine, but you also don't have to be an ass to the waiter, and the bus driver, and your mom, you get the idea. Please and thank you go a long way...a smile and genuine caring go MUCH farther.
4.) He doesn't live to drink booze and play Wii, Halo, etc.
Really men...GROW UP! there was a time for you to go play all the video games you wanted, and stay up until 3 in teh morning subsisting on Pizza and mountain dew/Jolt. It was called high school and College. You need to find some grown up things to do, and if you still want to play your Video games, fine...but it shouldn't be the main focus of your life...and it certainly is NO way to have a date.
-end rant.
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09:22 pm
[Link] |
Prolific much?!?
Job update: I am in direct competition with a person I know @ Anderson. It's going to be interesting to see how this plays out. She doesn't know that I've applied yet, and I'm glad for that...there are also some things that were said over the phone that I'm not going to go into until after I have a job. (They'll make sense later).
She isn't handling my questions regarding the job as well as I would have liked, already shutting down...but then again, I guess it is a competition? I hate that, the one thing I _don't_ want to do is get into a competition...and unfortunately this is feeling a lot like one.
We'll see how this plays out. I am slightly nervous, but believe that regardless I'll be ok. *laughs* I'm sure that has to sound a little odd coming from me, but it's the truth. If all else fails, I'll live with my parents and find a job flipping burgers until I can do something else. *shrugs* Lessons in Humility anyone?
Trust lessons anyone? <-- laughing...because it's something that I want to work on, that I've asked for help on...and well, looks like I'm getting them.
Regardless, I'll be ok, and I look forward to what's coming.
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04:55 pm
[Link] | OH SHIT.
*remembering to breathe went out the window*
Just applied to the Emory position, still have a round of phone calls to go at a later date, and possibly an in person interview. Timing is a little tight, so we'll have to see what happens...I'm now officially nervous.
And I feel like I probably goofed that phone conversation all up, but hopefully it worked out the way that it was supposed to. *NERVES* BIG NERVES.
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03:46 pm
[Link] |
Remembering to Breathe
I have a call today at 4, with the director of the Emory lab. While at AGT the professors all spoke very highly of him...to the point that 3/4 of them have been under his lab. They told me to apply, I did.
I'm so nervous right now I'm shaking. Why did they ask me to apply -- are there ulterior motives here? (I don't believe their spelling of that word). I want to ask them what's going through their head, but that is just a bit inappropriate at the moment. *somewhat student status sucks*
I have no idea what to expect on this phone call, no clue where it's headed...but this is the fastest response to a resume I've ever seen. Literally, under 4 hours with a time to call. Praying that the Lord will lead me where I'm supposed to go.
Jobs that are definately off the market: Dubai, Duke Molecular (where I'm interning), Gentopix, and UNC Molecular <-- just got a letter from them saying that they'll keep my resume on file. *shrugs*
Emory is in Atlanta.
We'll see what's going on. for now, I'm checkign out their web site.
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11:51 pm
[Link] |
Theoretically non-epic
I. NC, I fell in love. More to come on this later. Understand that I fought it as long as I could.
II. Trust issues...being fought, interesting battle, unsure of the level of success at this point, but I think that the fight in and of itself is a success in its own right.
III. Life. Has gotten interesting, more than I would have anticipated.
IV. The teacher I really liked, gave me permission to face book her. And gave me one of the highest compliments I have ever received from a person in authority. "You are much more mature than most of your classmates". Thank you D. Alot.
V. AGT, epic. Needs to be discussed in person, or when I'm not half dead from trying to figure out what is going on/where I need to be.
VI. Intelligence. People keep telling me I'm smart, I don't accept it well...I need to either try harder, or dig through the fact that I feel like no matter how smart everyone thinks I am...that I still feel like the college Flunk out who failed Economics...or the idiot who doesn't understand the basics of what people would call relationships. Naivete is my greatest downfall.
VII. Complements: need to learn how to accept them. They still feel awkward, why do people have to say them. Same thing with thank yous...There are very few times when I think someone should say thank you to me. Either I've just drastically changed your life, or saved it. One or the other, otherwise, it's not a big deal. I like to try to make people happy and comfortable.
VIII. Thank you --> with the above criteria met
M., L., A., really ladies...thank you for being my friends. At the very least you have drastically changed my life and in honesty you've probably helped save me from myself more than a few times.
D. (Who doesn't read this, but it should be written somewhere)...Thank you. And while I wonder at your comment "I can still teach you some thing" I belive that you must know at least a portion of the impact you have made on my life within the past year.
-- begin epic--
When I came to Anderson in the spring last year for the information session, I really didn't think I had a chance at getting in...the only reason I dared to is because you said that you thought I had a chance. I applied, and after 3 false starts at an interview date, I actually got to sit down at a monsterous table and attempt to defend my failures, trying to cover them as some sort of success at learning about life.
For whatever reason, (honestly I am still not sure why), you accepted me, not into the jr year, but into the sr. year. Within that time, you have not only given me an education about molecular genetics, but a few things far more valuable. You see, before this, I thought of myself as somewhat of a complete failure...a person doomed to a no-end job, with little to hope for. Now, I speak of grad school, and research, and possibly teaching some day. That is thanks to you, for showing me how a failure can become a gain.
You have drastically altered my life, and my viewpoint...and I thank God for that.
--- end epic---
Alright ladies, it's late and I need some sleep...particullarly after a 3am night last night.
-Love.
-me
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10:03 am
[Link] |
Life lessons from MD Anderson professors
Addendum to previous entry.
As I was thinking last night, I began to realize how much of the 'other' education this set of professors has offered me. Whereas at Galveston, I learned book smarts, and some minimal sets of social skills from my upperclassmen...there was very little interraction between professors and students. I am not sure if this is bad or good.
Here however, and specifically now, after AGT, there is so much more htan a simple education going on. I have learned that GPA is not only not everything, but also that maturity and performance while important don't always make everything nice and shiny.
Professors are human, they party, drink, dance and modify their shoes when they break.
Dance. Who cares who's watching...have fun...just don't look crazy doing it.
Go out, hang with the group...even if it sounds insane, you won't regret it.
Be prepared for anything...The first night we went out,we literally hopped across a 4' waterway and then across a different 3'water way with an incline, to hop onto a bridge.
Sunscreen. Yeah. Life lesson there.
If you want to know, a.) ask and b.) do. They'll tell you if you aren't doing something right.
I'll post more later, but right now I need to go cringe @ my bank account.
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09:49 am
[Link] | This is an outline that I will be fleshing out later on, AGT in a nutshell if you will.
I. Wed night: I get into florida, get a rental car and a Garmin unit...try to use Garmin to get to hotel...this Garmin is special...she could not find herself, find me, or acquire her satellites at all. Luckily I had printed out directions because I'm anal like that. As I was turning onto the street that the hotel was on, she finally picked up and said "Turn right"...which would have put me into the building.
II. Parking: had to be paid for @ the hotel. =-(
III. Thursday: day 1 of the conference.
Spent the day hanging posters, viewing exhibits and going to the mall.
Professors: spent day trying to find/handle the disaster that was a UPS box missing stuff, with suspicious cuts on the side of the box. Pressure, they handle it well.
Evening: We go to a new member reception/exhibit hall viewing. Open bar. INTERESTING. I think that one should probably get it's own post, mostly because of the people involved. Carla.
Night: Went to bars with 3 of my 4 professors. Saw them dance, and get pretty toasty. Got blitzed myself. (managed to hide it until I got back to the hotel room). Got some very nice compliments actually...whether they realize it or not. I will have to tell them thank you...some how. (Akward moment coming up). Also, have permission to add them on facebook.
Late night: spent night on bathroom floor. Up in time for 800 meeting. be impressed.
IV. Friday: day 2 of conference
Complete nerd-dom. Scientific sessions, some of which were bad enough that my professors and I actually wrote notes back and forth. Realization that they're human, and that I'd like to be friends with these people.
Break in the day: Went to pool...burnt. *toasty* Again with group.
Afternoon: Abstract presentation for one of our classmates. *yay Billy* TORNADO. Kid you not. There are pictures, just not sure who has them. My luck right?!?! (there were actually 3 tornadoes according to the news, I only saw 1...and while it was small, it was actually fairly nice...I didn't panic...just stood there with everyone else in awe.
Evening: SLEPT!
V. Saturday: day 3
Woke up for 2nd talk...(slept through 1st one)
Stood by poster, got job information
After Posters: went to see Transformers II (with group)
Then went to pool...attempted to even out burn. No success.
Evening: reception. Kept tabs on 2 other classmates here. They were pretty good. Hung with professors.
Night: went to bar with professors and classmates, then went to beach with professors only/ it was nice.
VI. Sunday:
Woke up, nostalgic. I'm sad that I will be leaving this place, sad that I will not get to see these people as often. But interested to see where it goes from here and how well I get to know them.
Somewhat tired, but still doing ok...(Had enough raquel dosage to last me for a little while...I'm sure she's feeling the same way.)
Pictures of me in dress on facebook.
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05:47 pm
[Link] | I'm tired, but interestingly not completely exhausted. I'm not sure how much I've written about the people up here, so this will be an entry on them...and some of them, my reactions to them.
Laura: Very nice, about my age, teacher. We've gone through some similar stuff, are both perfectionists. She is outgoing, and more of a free spirit than I am. Very fun to be around, but haven't gotten the chance to for more than a little while outside of church. Girly, but still enjoys the outside.
Betty: Is probably going to be the longest entry, and is also at this point, the most confusing. I don't know why, but for some reason I trust her, and for some reason, she can read me like a book. To the point that I almost shut down over the weekend. On one hand, I'm glad, I can't hide...on the other hand...I can't hide. It's interesting at the very least.
We seem to be similar, she's older than I am, but I don't know by how much. I honestly don't know anywhere near as much about her as she does about me. I'll be thinking of questions to ask her later. She is AF, was active, and I think is now in AF guard. If I get to live up here, then I will probably be living with her, renting a room.
I've warned her I'm a slob, and she's now seen my car...so...*shrugs*
I value her opinion and knowledge of not only religion, but also the bible...it's interesting talking to her about that stuff, because it is one area where we have some very different views...and both of us can discuss them and learn from each other.
the statement that I almost added was she's also very human, not like Lesley...but that isn't a fair assessment. They are both human, both admit it...they're similar, but something is very different between the two. I can't figure it out. I'd say maturity, but I'm not sure.
At any rate, I have homework to do, and I got off work late, so I'd like to get some food eventually. (yeah, I wrote this one last...sorry)
Bob: Not one of the people that I would probably choose to associate with, but learning how love as a brother in christ. Harder than anticipated, but he seems genuine. I'll probably update more on him later.
Jay: Small group leader, possibly a pastor, not sure yet. Nice guy, haven't really hung out other than church.
Bernadette: tall, probably 6'+...Lizzy, think Rich's height. Very fun...outdoor enthusiast. To the point that she free climbed 1000+ feet a few weekends ago, sans gear. I'm impressed and worried for her safety.
The Lab: All in all, the fractions are starting to make some sense. I understand why they're there but don't see why no one bothers to fix them. I get along with most of them, and am hopefully that eventually I might be able to work there for a while.
I want your opinion on something.
I'm emailing it.
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02:20 pm
[Link] | I have never before really been dropped to my knees with the understanding that God wants me to do something. I say this, because I am in shock about it, and because now understanding, this is something I must do. There is no question, and what seems insane to me, must make some sense to Him.
I will be applying to UNC...for their PhD program in Genetics. Moreover, I will be applying before I finish here. I am terrified. This is not what I had figured on, and to be perfectly honest, it seems crazy.
My GPA is still low, I have little hope of raising it much much higher, and there is the small matter of me finding a job. However, I think that too is already being handled. I am nerve-wracked, but calm...realizing that this feels like when I applied to Anderson.
I realize that this is not the forensics that I had enjoyed so thoroughly in the spring, however, I believe that my enjoyment of that was more for the professor than the actual class material. Doing one thing over and over again has never really suited me...and unfortunately, that is all forensic analysis is...Sample ID over and over.
I would ask that you pray for me, and the decisions regarding this. The last thing I want to do, and I say this with all honesty, is do something apart from God. (One of my most sincere regrets at this time, is that I feel I have not let you see how important God is in my life...I fear that I have failed you as a friend, for not being able to show you that part of my life adequately, and I am sorry for it.)
again, in all honesty, I fear that you will think me absolutely stark-raving mad at the moment with this decision regarding grad school. I will still be applying to many places, but I think, at this time, that UNC will be my first choice...and some of the places that I had wanted to go to before will become lower on my list. I fear also, that you will be afraid that I am some sort of Christian Lunatic,which in some ways I already am...and in some ways I am not.
*laughing* Here I am, wholly believing that I will get into UNC, into the PhD program, and also find a job here. The application will be for next fall (2010), and the job...I believe I will find within a month. I realize this _is_ insanity =-).
I am more afraid that you will see me as becoming a psycho christian, which I do not want to do. Pray, yes. Faith, please yes. Trying to surrender my life to what God's will says...yes. Judging people: absolutely not. Forsaking friendships: absolutely not.
I love you all, and I am sorry this is disjointed. It's something that I needed to write, and hopefully, you will all still want to be my friends even after this.
Love
-me
ps. this may come down in about a day due to my nerves.
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